Bereavement information package
part 2: Grief
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Bereavement information package
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| This fact sheet forms the second part of the HKH Bereavement Information Package. It was written by the Social Work Department of Hornsby Ku-ring-gai Health Service. Issues covered in this sheet include self-help suggestions, and the process of grief. We have a printable version of this sheet, or you can download the whole bereavement package. Grief -what it isIn any time of loss and change it is normal to feel a range and intensity of emotions that might seem quite out of character to you. Sometimes these emotions can be quite overwhelming so it is important to know that they are normal and an important part of the process of grief. Grief is a normal emotional response associated with any form of loss. Most of us will experience close personal grief during our lifetime. The intensity of the grief is often associated with the value we placed on the person that we have lost. The following information is designed to help you identify some of the experiences you may have, and to realise that they are normal, and will abate with time. We have also included some information on how to look after yourself during your grief, and how you can best help a friend or loved one who is going through the grief process themselves. This information is by no means complete – if you are particularly worried about some of your experiences, of if you are finding it difficult to cope, you may choose to contact a counsellor for some extra support e.g. Grief Support Services (phone: (02) 9489 6644).
How to Help Yourself as You GrieveThe mix and intensity of emotions that make up the grieving process can be overwhelming and at times frightening. It is important to look after yourself, to accept what you are going through, and to accept the help of others. Keeping the following points in mind may help you look after yourself as you are grieving. It is often helpful to see the bereavement as a deep wound which is sensitive and exposed, and needs to be protected from further trauma. Although it is healthy to be able to expose the wound to friends, healing usually takes place from within. The most helpful healing environments are those where you are able to be open about your thoughts and express your feelings, to allow yourself to weep, and to nurture pain when it is present. Give yourself permission to grieve, to express all your emotions and to talk as much as you need. The pain may not subside; in fact it may become worse over the first few weeks. However the pain will eventually diminish and it is important to be able to express it until that time. Be kind to yourself. You are your own best friend, take it easy, you cannot hurry your healing; you can only assist it to occur naturally. Looking at photos, sharing stories or writing a journal of your thoughts can help. Most often you may feel that the one person that you would most like to be with, and the person who would be able to help you most, is the person who has died. You cannot change that but you can allow other people to help you instead. Allow selected friends to nurture you and care for you. Find someone who can handle what you are going through and talk with them. Do not let anyone tell you that you are not coping – you need to go through your own process of grieving. Remember that grief is a unique, individual process and your own experience of it may be quite different to that of others. Some experiences of your grief may recur, especially around the time of anniversaries or when you meet with shared friends. Remember that at this time it is equally as important to be kind to yourself and to give yourself the space you need. Indulge yourself, do something special or go somewhere special, perhaps out to lunch or a movie. At first things might seem pointless and without pleasure, but do them anyway as they will refresh you and will often ease tension. While you are grieving your body will be under more than the usual amount of strain, and it is important to protect it by eating and resting well. Sometimes you may not feel like eating at all, and that is OK as long as it does not continue on for long periods of time. Fresh fruits and vegetables, cheese, bread, and milk are easy to prepare and are good for you. Eating as healthily as you can is important to help your body ward off disease at a time when it is easy to become run down. Massage is a great way to ease physical tension – during the grieving process the body is subject to great amounts of stress and trauma which often results in muscular strain and pain. Seeking solace in substances such as alcohol or drugs is proven to be unhelpful. Although your pain may be eased temporarily, it will return once the drug has worn off. Most drugs, including alcohol and tranquillisers also have detrimental side effects such as depression, and can cloud your awareness, not allowing you to deal with your grief in a constructive way. It is healthier to process your feelings without drugs, even if it seems more painful in the short-term. Your may find it difficult to make decisions, or to perform normal daily tasks like shopping, catching the bus, focusing at work. During this time be open to accept other people’s assistance, and realise that you may not be able to achieve as much as you would ordinarily. Important decisions may best be made with the assistance of a friend. If you need to make decisions regarding finances, legal advice, etc. perhaps think about taking someone with you and if necessary seek professional advice. As you walk through this difficult time you may find that your relationships change a great deal. Some friends become closer as they reach out to offer their love and assistance, others may become more distant as they struggle to come to terms with your grieving. You may need to form new relationships, and develop new areas of interest. This can happen over time, there is no need to rush. There are many different clubs, groups and organisations that your can choose to join that will help you along the way. Just remember that at this time looking after yourself is the most important thing you can do. At the beginning it may feel wrong to take on new activities or to make new friends without the one that you have lost, but these activities will in time help you to rebuild a new life. You cannot change the past but you can help to make the future more promising. When We Are GrievingGrief is a natural process which takes its own course. It may last for a few weeks, a few years, or even longer. It is important to recognise that each individual will grieve in different ways and over different periods of time, and that each individual should take the time that they need to complete this process. When you are grieving people may seem to avoid you. This is often because they don’t know what to say or do to help you. It can be helpful to recognise that they are having their own difficulties. But you can still feel isolated and alone even if feeling avoided can make you feel worse. Dealing with our emotions is often one of the most difficult and tiring processes of grief. In the space of one day you may feel a whole range of unpleasant emotions which seem to be very painful and overwhelming. Emotions which are typical in the grief experience can include anger, guilt, loneliness, depression and isolation. A focus on grieving and self-centredness are also a typical reaction, not to be confused with selfishness. The early stages of grief are often cushioned by shock and numbness. Feelings of shock may last minutes, days or weeks. Shock may feel calm and detached, or like a turmoil of emotions. Deep feelings may also come to the surface and at this time it may be more helpful to talk about the experience of loss. Some people experience behaviour changes. These can include inability to sleep, lack of appetite, an increase in smoking, drinking, working or physical activity, impulsive or reactive emotional outbursts or a sense of aimlessness or restlessness. The grieving person may also experience hallucinations, dreams and nightmares. Although distressing, they will alleviate over time. Some of the most typical, deep reactions we have during time of grief include the following:
It is important not to make any major changes in your life while you are grieving as too many changes can slow down the adjustment process. Decisions to change career, move house, or other changes of this magnitude can be quite disorienting.
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